Hi, and welcome to Gentle Cycles, I’m so glad you’re here. My name is Emma and the idea for this place was born from my journey navigating through eating disorder recovery in combination with the wish to grow my family.
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to become a mother. It was never a question if — only when. I never imagined I would face fertility struggles. That possibility simply didn’t exist in the world I envisioned for myself. As I grew up, I developed a deep interest in parenthood — especially in the transition people go through as they become parents. That fascination ultimately led me to become a midwife. Whether that calling came from my own quiet longing to become a parent, I’m not entirely sure. But I do believe it shaped my path.
What many readers might not know is that in the Netherlands, where I’m from and currently living, a midwife is an independent medical practitioner. We support new parents through pregnancy, low-risk childbirth — whether at home or in the hospital — and the first weeks of the postpartum period. Given the love I have for the transition into parenthood, it’s probably no surprise that this profession called to me so strongly. It is amazing to support women and their partners in this vulnerable but empowering time.
But my teens and early twenties weren’t always easy — like so many other young girls, I struggled with insecurity and body image. Looking back at photos from that time, I often wonder what I was thinking. Those body image struggles, along with other circumstances, eventually led me into a cycle of binge eating and compensating — mostly through purging. I’ll share more about those experiences as we go along, as you get to know me and this story unfolds. At the time, my biggest wish was to be skinny — but also to be healthy and take care of my body. Bulimia, of course, only hurt it more.
Now I’m 28 years old, and I’ve been in therapy a few times over the years. Some of those experiences helped — at least for a while — but the struggles with eating have never fully gone away. Whether I’ll ever overcome it completely, I don’t know. Four years ago, I met my current partner. He is everything I could have ever wished for. Still, I know it’s hard for him during the times when I relapse. Loving someone with an eating disorder isn’t easy either. About a year and a half ago, we felt ready — emotionally and relationally — to start trying for a baby. At that point, my eating disorder was mostly under control. I was slightly overweight and still struggled with overeating at times, but I rarely purged anymore. I felt more stable than I had in years. But I don’t have a very regular cycle, due to PCOS — polycystic ovary syndrome. It’s a condition that causes many small follicles (or “egg cells”) to form in the ovaries, often preventing regular ovulation. That makes conceiving a bit more complicated.
This brings us to the present. It’s been a year and a half since we started trying to conceive — and we’ve already experienced the heartbreak of a miscarriage, just this past December. Lately, my eating disorder has been getting worse. I want so badly to nourish my body, to prepare it as a safe, healthy home for the baby I still hope to carry. And that makes it even harder to accept that I don’t have it under control right now. I hope you won’t judge me. I know that if this continues, it could eventually harm our future child. And that thought terrifies me. But when I searched online for others in a similar situation — people navigating both fertility challenges and eating disorders — I found almost nothing. No blogs, no Instagram accounts, no stories that reflected this strange intersection. Surely, I thought, I can’t be the only one. So I started this blog to speak into that silence. I want to build a space where we can talk about these things — honestly, gently, without shame. A place for connection, compassion, and community. I know many couples try to get pregnant for much longer than we have, and I hold that perspective with humility. But I also know that every story matters — including mine, and maybe yours too.
Besides working as a midwife, I also work as a researcher. So while many of the stories I share here will be personal, I’ll also explore topics related to fertility and eating disorders with a more scientific perspective from time to time. When I do, I’ll include references so you can dive deeper if you’d like. Please feel free to comment on the posts, subscribe if this space interests you, and reach out if you ever feel called to. If there’s a subject you’d like me to explore, I’d love to hear from you. My hope is that this blog will be healing — not just for me, but for others who are walking a similar path.
Thank you for being here.
Gentle Cycle 